A common problem that brings men to counseling for sex therapy is some issue involving porn. Why are so many men drawn to it so strongly? Does the man’s use qualify as being a Porn Addiction? Men, and the women in their lives, both should understand all the enticing reasons why men like it. Of course, women like porn too, though to a much lesser extent, but that is a different picture.

IS PORN BETTER THAN THE REAL THING?

Of primary concern is whether or not the man likes masturbation and pornography better than he likes having sex with his partner. If he prefers porn, then, what on earth could be so captivating and better than real physical interaction with a real person? Physical and emotional intimacy is always the goal. Making love is connecting to a real person who likes you enough to let you into their deepest, most secret places. Not to mention, physical touch and contact is amazing, and cannot be duplicated by pornography.

Yet, despite the wonderfulness of real sex with a real human, there's obviously some strong draw towards porn. All the answers need to be understood, though some are more complex and most men themselves do not even realize all the psychological pulls towards porn. There are some basic issues I have to go over that are more obvious, yet still important. But I will get to some aspects at the end of this blog that are of critical importance and yet most are not aware.

“I CAN’T COMPETE WITH THOSE PORN STARS”

Many women whose partners are looking at porn is that they cannot compete with the women that their men are looking at. I will be honest, the act of looking, being drawn to the physical attributes of women (or men), is a fundamental reason men enjoy porn. However, it is very important for women to realize that men are hard wired to be visual. It is not all our fault(Me rationalizing?)! Us men are built to notice the shape of a woman. A man is not bad because his eyes are naturally drawn to a curvy woman in tight yoga pants, although he end up acting badly for what he then chooses to do after just looking. Our animal instincts just naturally pull us in.

It is interesting to compare this to women. Women are not as visual as much as they are narrative in their arousal. Women usually need to have meaning, to feel the emotions involved, in order to become aroused. Consider this. Women’s porn could be considered to be a good romance movie or novel. A mom could be watching female porn (The Notebook) right in front of the family!

The problem with both of these scenarios is that real life people cannot compare. Most real men cannot compete with Hollywood’s version of a perfect, handsome, articulate man running through the airport to declare his undying love, just like a real woman cannot compete with a porn star’s artificial body.

MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY FACE

While these visual images are biologically important, I do not believe most men become disappointed with the real life women in their life because of porn. Yes, a man will enjoy a perfectly proportional, beautiful woman. But this does not mean that he expects it in real life. It does not at all mean he will be disappointed with the woman in his life who is a real woman with real curves. In fact many men prefer a real woman, or even a bigger, or skinnier, woman.

A woman also needs to not feel too insecure because she only has one body. She cannot be every body type of woman that is out there. He may adore his woman’s body, but he also enjoys looking and women with different curves, different hair styles, facial features, taller, shorter, different races. In addition, porn can give a man a wide range of sexual positions. He can quickly see a variety or focus on the ones he most likes. Smart phones have greatly increased this quick variety and easy access.

MEN ARE HORNY

To be blunt, a man will want to look at porn first and foremost because he is horny. He wants to use it to help masturbate. Yes, some men are choosing porn over real life sex. That is indeed a problem. However, many men want more sex than they are getting in their relationship. Porn becomes then a necessary substitute for the real thing. I have had several cases in which the woman does not want much sex, or unable to have sex often, but they do not want their man to masturbate at all without them, and certainly not to look at porn while doing it. I have actually seen some marriages be saved because of porn. If not for porn, he would have been angry and resentful, which would have affected the marriage. He may have a right to feel hurt, neglected, and rejected, and porn helps him to pretend to feel desired.

Unfortunately though, sometimes this substitute sex then starts to take over. Some men become bored with the same vanilla sex in porn and start exploring other kinks and fetishes. Depending upon their own sexual history and self-esteem issues, these fetishes can become obsessive. Nothing is wrong with a person exploring their sexuality, but this is best done with their partner. I have seen these fetishes take over a person just like a drug addiction.

When does porn use become an addiction? There is not an easy definitive answer to this. Generally, I like to say that any behavior becomes an addiction when a person gets in trouble for it, and yet continues to do it despite his desires to not do it again.

FANTASIES

Sexual fantasies are a healthy thing, for both men and women. Porn can be a safe way to indulge in these. But fantasy is not reality, and most men know this. They may imagine being dominant or submissive, but they would not want that in real life, just like many women fantasize about being raped but would never want to actually be raped at all. Men may want to fantasize about sex with others, mentally cheating on their spouse. However, they would never really want to cheat.

I pointed out how women tend to be more narrative than visual. Men also want narrative. Many men do not watch porn just for seeing sex. They want the narrative too. Many porn videos have a story line (although often acted out poorly). This story line is what can hook a man. It can take a psychologist to figure out why people like the kinks that they like (fortunately for you, I know of one, lol). But make no mistake, men have insecurities and self-esteem issues just like women, and porn can help fill those insecurities. Not saying this is the best way to do so, of course. But it is what is going on. Being desired, feeling more powerful, wanting the relief of pressure, by having the woman dominate him - some of the psychological issues going on with the love of porn.

PRESSURE!

I treat numerous men who are struggling sexually with real women. They want real women over porn, but the pressure of performing gets to them. I am not talking about socially incompetent nerds either. Most men have issues at some point. Women have it easier in this aspect. They can be nervous about sex too, but it is not as obvious. Sex will still happen. Men get too much in their head and intercourse is not happening. If this happens, the woman will be hurt and disappointed. He may feel like a loser and a fool. What if he is not big enough? What if he gets it up but does not do it well?

One of the strongest pulls for a man to be drawn towards porn is that it is a low pressure situation. There is no performance anxiety, no possibility of letting her down by not getting it up, or ejaculating too soon. He can have control over picking the positions and acts involved. He will never let himself down. He will not nag at himself.

I am not justifying porn use. There are many dangers. I have only touched upon some of them here. I am just presenting the reality of the situation modern men are in today.