I was working with a woman in to try to help her let go of her insecurities to enjoy having sex with her partner whom she loves. I told her, “Remember, it’s supposed to be fun.“ She says, “Fun? Sex has never been fun?!”

Since this session I have used that phrase more purposely, strategically. This phrase embodies an important aspect of sex that can be fundamental in helping people when doing sex therapy. Many are thinking, “Uh oh, I have to have sex.” Instead of “Yay! I get to have sex.”

I work with people who have many diverse sexual issues. Some of these issues include: Overcoming sexual traumas, porn addiction, recovering from affairs, premature ejaculation, performance anxiety, and general low libido. Regardless of these specific problem areas, they all can be helped by the little phrase.

Sex is meant to feel good, physically and emotionally. The physical sensations of all of the different sexual activities, especially intercourse, are biologically pleasurable. Sex is also an intensely emotional event, meant to connect each other, build closeness and intimacy. These are good things, fun things.

Anxiety is a Fun Sucker

Anxiety is a primary factor in most sexual problems. It gets in the way. We are afraid, afraid of not getting it up, not being able to have an orgasm, not be able to give an orgasm, or having one too quickly. We are also afraid of getting our hearts broken again. Opening up sexually is making yourself vulnerable. You could be rejected. Fear of rejection is a fundamental and deep fear in most of us.

As a psychologist, I have many tools in my tool chest to beat this menace of anxiety. I use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in therapy. A primary method when using CBT is focusing your thoughts on the right things. Thinking more rationally leads to better emotions, such as less anxiety. Focusing on the pleasure and the good aspects of your partner, instead of focusing on the negative is the key. If you can get your problem thoughts out of the way, your natural instincts will kick in. We naturally enjoy sex. It is only our overthinking and anxiety that messes things up.

If a man is wanting to perform well in bed, focusing on his own penis not working well is not going to turn him on. Focusing on the beauty of the woman and the fun of sex will get him going though.

Intimacy

Many couples do not want to have sex if they are not feeling emotionally close enough beforehand. This is understandable. However, maybe if both generally loved and respected each other, they could try to have more fun with sex, enjoying each other, in spite of any issues. The closeness that was not there originally, is now there afterwards. Therefore, try to enjoy having fun during sex, and the closeness that you long for may just be there.

Laugh, giggle. Enjoy each other. Set the expectations that sex does not have to be movie quality perfect. Bumps and accidents happen. Laugh at yourself a little. This is your partner. They love you, they like you. Enjoy each other.